I listened to this again, didn't even make it to 50%, and had a huge AHA moment where you said
"You deserve all the good things simply because you exist... I deserve all the good things because I am here."
And I realized... I don't like that, like my nervous system rebelled and a thought came up...
"If good things don't come as a consequence of my own effort or output, then how do I control them? If the 'cause' part of cause-effect is not in my power, then how can I make sure that I get more of the effect."
I love this coming up for you - because once you see it, you can't unsee it. Which means you've already started to release the old patterning.
I also know that voice well. The one that says "I have to effort to earn it" or "If it comes to me easy then it won't come to stay."
It's fascinating, but once you start believing you deserve all the good things because you are here then all you desire becomes magnetized to you. Yes, you will still need to take aligned action, but it releases the requirement for it to be hard work, painful, and full of sacrificial dissodance.
I actually know where that stems from, and it's mostly from a fear of losing control and a need to feel 'more worthy' than others.
I experienced a lot of bullying - including some violent assaults - growing up, and also bullies getting rewards that were denied to me (because of circumstances out of my control). So my brain baulks at the idea of everyone being inherently worthy when I always try so hard to do the right thing and overdeliver and 10 year old me assumed that others weren't trying as much, but I am working on this.
It's also funny that I find all life and even non living things, all tiny grains and specks of the universe inherently meaningful and worth experiencing and believe that everyone deserves to live through the wonder and awe of experiencing them. I just struggle to reconcile this. And I think writing to you about it here just made something else click too.
First, let me say I am sorry you experienced that - no one deserves to be bullied or harmed.
Second - these realizations happening in real time - while you are experiencing a fever is pure alchemy. You are releasing old patterns and recoding your very being. Thank you so much for allowing us to witness your transformation.
30 minutes in and I still feel a shift. you know 'my person' the one I saw in the forest (my safe space) was me and it's the first time someone treated me with all the warmth and gentleness I give to others and it felt so healing
I listened to this again, didn't even make it to 50%, and had a huge AHA moment where you said
"You deserve all the good things simply because you exist... I deserve all the good things because I am here."
And I realized... I don't like that, like my nervous system rebelled and a thought came up...
"If good things don't come as a consequence of my own effort or output, then how do I control them? If the 'cause' part of cause-effect is not in my power, then how can I make sure that I get more of the effect."
I'm gonna sit with this for a while.
I love this coming up for you - because once you see it, you can't unsee it. Which means you've already started to release the old patterning.
I also know that voice well. The one that says "I have to effort to earn it" or "If it comes to me easy then it won't come to stay."
It's fascinating, but once you start believing you deserve all the good things because you are here then all you desire becomes magnetized to you. Yes, you will still need to take aligned action, but it releases the requirement for it to be hard work, painful, and full of sacrificial dissodance.
I actually know where that stems from, and it's mostly from a fear of losing control and a need to feel 'more worthy' than others.
I experienced a lot of bullying - including some violent assaults - growing up, and also bullies getting rewards that were denied to me (because of circumstances out of my control). So my brain baulks at the idea of everyone being inherently worthy when I always try so hard to do the right thing and overdeliver and 10 year old me assumed that others weren't trying as much, but I am working on this.
It's also funny that I find all life and even non living things, all tiny grains and specks of the universe inherently meaningful and worth experiencing and believe that everyone deserves to live through the wonder and awe of experiencing them. I just struggle to reconcile this. And I think writing to you about it here just made something else click too.
First, let me say I am sorry you experienced that - no one deserves to be bullied or harmed.
Second - these realizations happening in real time - while you are experiencing a fever is pure alchemy. You are releasing old patterns and recoding your very being. Thank you so much for allowing us to witness your transformation.
oh this was insanely powerful, I cried, well I bawled. I am very grateful for your recording and sending me this.
30 minutes in and I still feel a shift. you know 'my person' the one I saw in the forest (my safe space) was me and it's the first time someone treated me with all the warmth and gentleness I give to others and it felt so healing